Wide-Awake and Awkward

3 Sep

“Night time is really the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep.”       –Catherine O’Hara

Photo via: Icanhasinternets.com

Hey Webbies,

Well, this is awkward! Yes, I admit it, yours truly is a night owl. I cannot deny it any longer. All my life I have been, a night owl and many have said I will grow out of it. The truth of the matter is I was born this way. I am a thinker. I am a perfectionist. I am an over analyzer. I have the attention span of a Nat.

How does someone so intellectual have these awkward and random flaws?

I say all the time my mind is my worst enemy. I am surrounded by idiosyncrasies I cannot control. I am living in a world that cannot understand what I go through, for the simple fact that I cannot vocalize the things that goes on in my head. It is not because I do not want to or that I am afraid to; it is because I do not know how to. I feel as if I am voiceless in a vocal world.

The night is quiet. Peaceful. It is a time where I can think. I have no one there to overload my senses. I am the type of person to get distracted so easily by my senses, meaning: smells, sounds, textures, bright lights, dark rooms, moving things, clicking things, and even the electricity running through a wire. It is so hard for me to explain. Too many people, the slightest difference in temperatures, crowded places, and anything that is repetitious that I am not doing myself freaks my out brain. I get very frustrated.  A feeling comes over me, a feeling I cannot explain. I usually then proceed by losing my composure, which is typically as followed: My face turns bright red, I start yelling, my mind goes into defense mode and then I either end up crying like a baby  or  shut down until I get my equilibrium back.

Many of you that know me do not know this about me. I feel I am very good at hiding my “flaws” away from people. Honestly, I pretty sure, my own father does not know this about me. I think I have done a good job hiding it from people, but it is too exhausting.  I am tired of running from my silly problems like this. The anxiety accompanied by my awkwardness keeps me bound in an invisible way.

I am not a night owl by choice but by necessity. I feel like people perceive me as a lazy person when in reality I am far from it.  I tend to do nothing during the day because my surroundings overpower me. It is as if no matter how much sleep I get, as soon as I open my eyes, the fast-paced world drains me instantaneously.

My God is an awesome, mighty God. I feel like he has taken this (almost burden) and gave me a creative outlet. No matter what has happened throughout my day I can be with him through the night. I can write, draw, read and pray in peace that he gives me through the hours of darkness.

What are your hours of darkness? Is it anger? Loneliness? Lust? Regret? Fear?

Know that whatever is challenging your heart or your mind, you are not alone. God knows what you are going through; he is not like the people in your life whom you can conceal your flaws from them.

I was born this way, a midnight oil burner. I believe there is a reason for it. For me it is the best time to hear God whispering. He knows that throughout the day I will be more susceptible to fail to notice his presence.

Who is keeping watch while the others are sleeping, renewing themselves?

Charles Martin wrote in his one book, “Love, it names the nameless, and gives a voice to the voiceless.”  I believe that is what God does for me, he loves me so much I become someone out of nothing, and he is giving me my voice in the times where I feel the most overlooked.

Become the name. Become the voice. Become you.

Never let your awkwardness control you into thinking it is a flaw.

I am wide-awake, I am awkward, I am me and I can speak

Until next time,

Kalah

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